I don’t post a lot about politics because I always want to have grace, show up with kindness, and be more understanding than other people are. And, I don’t want to spend energy debating trans or gay people, to me there is no debate. This weekend, as I cried myself to sleep for I think the 6th night in a row, I couldn’t help but wonder if this perspective would help. 

I do cry myself to sleep. I have several nights nights now since CoreWell Health announced they are no longer providing gender affirming care. I’m sure many people think this is a huge win. And I thought to myself last night, I wonder if any of the people who have been trying to take away trans care from teens have cried themselves to sleep over the medical care of humans they do not know. 

If you see this as a win, and you have not cried yourself to sleep worried about trans care. Please know, all of the family’s affected are crying themselves to sleep. 

Perhaps this is an easier distinction for people to understand. Not agreeing with something, not understanding trans, having religious beliefs that disagree with it, may cause anger towards it, but these things alone do not cause deep pain, sadness, and tears. 

If any political action causes tears, suffering, pain, deep sadness, fear for one’s life, depression, or severe mental health deterioration, it’s not ok. 

I don’t understand why so many Americans are relieved and ok with inflicting this pain and suffering on the trans community, on my family. If you don’t agree with trans, please don’t worry yourself about it. Take it out of your concerns. 

I struggle to understand why my family is such a target. 

My daughter has been stable with her treatment, she is happy, and thriving in school. In her very early teen years she was starting to fail at school, her depression was worsening, her mental health was declining, the older she got, and as she was growing and not understanding or feeling safe in her own body, the more we saw a decline.

I now have a happy, amazing, and glowing kid. 

Maybe people don’t see this. But we cry, and I cry myself to sleep as a mom, terrified of what politics and anti-trans Americans are going to do to my child. This is harming my child. 

Maybe this is the story people need to hear. 

I was raised conservative Lutheran, attending church where sermons were about praying for our country because gay marriage may end the world. This taught me to be disgusted by gay relationships. To believe it was wrong. If you feel this way, I do understand because I remember being a teen and the first time I saw gay men kissing in a movie, I was, very shamefully, disgusted by it. Feeling that disgust is not a human instinct, it’s a taught belief.

My human instincts, since being a small child, were to be kind and loving to everyone. How pure is that? Imagine that world. 

Once I had my daughter, at the age of 22, something inside of me changed. We did not know she was our daughter at birth, but my maternal instincts knew that what I felt and believed about the gay and trans community was wrong. Shortly after she was born, there was a sermon about gay marriage and I remember going home saying, if any of my kids are gay they will be welcome 100% in my home. And if that was not reciprocated by my spouse, I would have left them. My home would always be a safe place for my kids. 

This was not a statement I would have previously said, and I didn’t have to think about it, I just knew that welcoming and accepting is what is right. 

I knew, simply, I felt that way, that it’s not wrong. Yet I still had to understand and learn and reteach my body and mind to see the world differently. I went back to school and got my degree in psychology. And I still spend my time always learning to understand people, all people, and it’s such a beautiful lived experience seeing people for all of their unique beauty, I promise you.

When my kids were preschool age, I continued to have a very innate sense that I would face something as a mother, something I’d have to fight for, to fight for my kids life. I think I was worried one of my kids would have cancer, I wasn’t sure what would come, but I just knew I had to be prepared to fight for their medical care. 

I had no idea I had a trans kid, not in the moment. But, when I did find out, it all made sense, she always my beautiful child, my gender non-confirming, beautiful and sweet child. 

I never cried about having a trans kid, not once, it all made sense. My maternal instincts were that I knew in some way since her birth, and I love her unconditionally and always.

But now that I’ve had to worry about her medical care for the past two years, now that I’ve had to really start fighting, and the fear of where she will continue to get care…

I cry. I cry deeply. I’m terrified for my daughter. For the pain that some Americans will inflict on her. 

I truly want to hold hope that people celebrating the stripping of trans rights, women’s rights, any rights and freedoms, do not understand the pain and suffering they are causing. I want to hold onto hope that if they did, we wouldn’t be here. I want to hold onto hope that they will see the pain and suffering they are causing, and their human instincts will kick in and see how wrong it is to harm other humans.  

Early in my adult years, I stood up and said “I am wrong.” 

I hope others are brave enough to recognize and admit they are wrong too. 

Until next time- Show up with intention, awareness, and purpose.

-Sarah